Why Do We Compare?

When I started learning the skills of becoming an Equine Assisted Coach, I did not have a clue on what to do or how to do it. Which makes sense because healing and learning with horses is a new and evolving field, it was not seen in the public eye like it is now.

I was absorbing as much as I could about partnering with horses to help clients with their transformations, but I was also comparing myself to others I admired, whether partnering with horses or not, and what I saw being done in the world. From psychotherapists, to professional counselors and coaches, to educators, leaders and spiritual teachers, I felt they knew what they were doing, exactly what to do, and how to do it.

As a result of comparing, I was igniting in myself a sense of low self-confidence, and limiting beliefs such as “I’m not good enough”, “they are better than me”, “they are smarter and know more”, “they have what it takes and I don’t,” yada, yada, yada. You get the picture, not a good place to be!

But then I started to ask the questions and things started to change…

Because I’m a deep thinker, I have this inner drive to understand why humans do what we do, and so over time I also learned 5 significant things about why I was comparing myself to others.

Here’s what I learned:

• From a young age and all throughout my educational years, I was taught to follow what I saw being done in the world and around me. I was programmed to follow the status-quo.
• I was taught to measure up to what society identified as successful people, which is to have the potential for great financial earnings, the finances to purchase many material things, and high social status.
• I was conforming and being motivated by what others think of me, becoming a pleaser, instead of and more importantly focusing on what worked and did not work best for me.
• I did not know any better. (There is no manual about life and how to live it, not that I would have read it anyway)
• I had to face my own fears, self-doubts, and limiting beliefs or my inner pilot light would slowly burn out.

And as many human beings do, I was not aware I was doing all of this, it was just something I did unconsciously.

Think of a time when you compared yourself to someone else, did you compare yourself to a friend, a colleague, someone you admire, someone you see in the movies, or in the media? Why do you think you compared yourself to that person? Are you looking for something that you feel they have and you don’t? Do you consider them successful, in what way?

What is comparison all about?

Here are 3 reasons why we compare and the damage it can cause:

1. We live in a society, a community with others from all walks of life. And through connecting with others, it’s how we as human beings gauge our progress, how we are doing in our daily lives. Whether or not we are meeting our cultural norms and expectations. It’s how you measure up, are similar to someone you know, or it can be someone you admire.

The down side to comparing is it will stop you in your tracks, because the person you are comparing yourself to has their own personal agenda, thoughts, ambitions, dreams, life purpose, and there is no way you can be on their life path, nor why would you want to be?  We each have our own inner drive, desires and abilities, along with life experiences, sensory system and body.

One way of perceiving this is, if your energy is going into wanting to be like someone else, or having something they have that you don’t have, then you are plugging into their circuits, meaning your energy is being drained and eventually will short out.  And when this happens, you eventually start to lose your spark and motivation, that natural inner drive.

2. We compare because we feel we lack the confidence, the know-how and tend to think others have it all together. This is so damaging and is not true! We each have our own inner strengths and abilities, our own innate wisdom. There is no one be all, end all perfect person, everyone is living their own life.

3. We compare because we live in a competitive dominated society. For many this is taught at a very young age, through the different sports, to reality TV shows such as “Dancing with the Stars,” to the political realm as some examples.

For women, it can be more of a jealously comparison, all one has to do is stand in the grocery store aisle and see the headlines and pictures on magazine articles that is marketed to women.

This is what our brains are feed daily, and so over time, day in and day out, depending on the culture we live in, we are conditioned to think, live and behave a certain way.

But stop and really ponder the question…

What does comparison really mean? Is there a deeper level to it, where does this come from? Is it purely a cultural norm, reacting to the programming of our minds? Or is it about feeling validated, significant and worthy. Wanting to reclaim who we really are through someone else’s eyes?

Is it because the person you are comparing yourself to, you see something in her that resonates with you, and that is reflected back to you so you can validate it in yourself? Or does comparing help you to make educated choices and decisions? Some deep questions, right?

To do Activity

Here is something to engage a group in conversation.  The next time you are sitting with a group of familiar people, friends, family members, or colleagues, ask them the question, “Why do we compare?”

And before you do this, think about what do you sense would be the overall consensus, your hypothesis, and then see what happens.  Might be something really eye opening and fun.

Stuck in the Comparison Trap? 5 Tips to Help You Break Out:

1. Work With Your Mind

As human beings, we have a propensity to compare, I don’t know of anyone who does not.  Instead of trying to control the comparison thoughts, surrender and work with them. Have a gentle and loving internal conversation with yourself. Start with acknowledging your internal dialogue, being aware they are only thoughts in your waking mind. Say something to yourself such as, “I understand you are trying to help and I can appreciate that, but I can take care of it, it’s ok”.  Then replace the comparison thought with, “She is good and so am I”.

This sends a high energetic charge throughout your body, your nervous system, it shifts the perception in your mind.  And when you say “She is good and so am I” you embrace self-compassion, self-loving care. It’s a different thought form resulting in feeling calm, peaceful, and at ease.

2. Is it true?

Challenge the comparison belief with asking yourself, is it true? We need to remind ourselves that we are each have our own strengths. We are just coming from different directions with different experiences, programming, and abilities. Some people have a really great memory and can recall details, some people are witty and entertaining, some people are deep thinkers, some people are creatives, some people are really calm, while others have a type “A” personality. Each and every one of us is part of the whole, we are each divine and have aspects of ourselves that are part of our DNA, our lineage handed down from generations past that makeup who we are. A beautiful human being!

And there are people that are attracted to you, it’s an energetic frequency wave that resonates with your potential clients. It’s your authenticity, your life experience and what you love to share, that sends out a magnetic vibration into the world. You have what you need right now, and deep down you know who you really are, it’s just that you may be confused and living in a social suit that does not fit you anymore.

Let’s say you know you’re a healer but are wearing the accountant suit, or you sense a calling to be an Equine Assisted Coach but are wearing the corporate suit, or you’ve always wanted the job of being a bee keeper but are wearing the bankers suit. When you start to shift your thinking, an awareness is forming, eventually leading into a new reality. Then it becomes a choice of changing suits to be who you most want to be. And when the new suit fits, it feels right, and the over identifying comparison illusions start to fade away.

 

It’s like the old fairy tale of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” with the three bowls of porridge, the three different sized chairs, and the three different comfort levels of beds. She was comparing the temperature of each porridge, the size of each chair, and the feel of each bed, until she felt satisfied with what feels right. She was not suppressing her innate desires to please others.

One of the comparison traps I found myself in in the corporate world was when I compared myself to attorneys. I tried to fit into their suit, learning their language and way of being. I also had a perception that they are so intelligent with knowing so much more, they are better than me, to the point I felt anxiety around them.

But then things started to change, I asked the questions and became aware.

What I know today is so much of my perception had to do with my older generational family programming, what I was being taught. Placing attorneys, doctors, professors on a pedestal, because they had higher degrees, more money, and material things.  In fact, it was all a fear based illusion that was projected onto me. Those professionals had degrees and so did I, and if I did not have a degree, by no means were they more successful or better than me.

I learned many new things about myself when I was working in the corporate world, and developed a whole new way of being. It also helped me to face many of my fears.

3. What is Your Life Purpose?

When you compare yourself to someone else, they have a different purpose then you do, which will send you down a confusing path if you try to follow them with everything they do. It’s setting yourself up for self-judgment and failure.

Let’s say you’re asked to find the best possible horse, and your reply is for what purpose? Is the best possible horse for becoming part of a draft team for pulling a wagon, for mounted patrol, for trail riding, for companionship, for getting across the Sahara Desert?  It’s like a draft horse whose purpose is for plowing fields, would make a terrible horse for hunting buffalo, because speed is needed.

A horse that’s ideal for one purpose will not work for another. It’s just setting up the horse for failure. It’s like I talked about earlier with the suit analogy, each horse has their own life purpose, their own destiny.  And so do you!

4. Take a Social Media Break

We live in a technical world, with social media sites that have become our community villages. And when we get distracted and caught up in seeing what is on the different screens, we may find ourselves comparing and saying something like, “Everyone seems to be better off than me,” to “She is so smart and attractive” to “I wish I had that”.  To break out of this mental comparison trap, turning off the TV and devices for extended periods of time is a great place to start.  Instead take a walk outside, meditate and refocus, research something that really interests you. Or the media will control you!

5. Compliment Who You Compare Yourself to With Something Positive

Here is something I discovered that helps me when I find myself comparing myself to someone I admire. I will tell the person something positive I see in them. Here are 3 examples:

1. When I was in my Equine Assisted Mental Health and Learning Program, my faculty advisor was someone I considered intelligent, not just smart with a great wealth of knowledge, but a lot of wisdom and down to earth personality that was liked by so many. He truly had a heart of gold. It was during an educational break in the ranch house that I was standing next to him, and out of the blue with no hesitation I said, “You know what Paul, you are so intelligent”.

It just came out of my mouth because it was something I admired in him and had to share.  And after I had said that, I think it had to register with him. He looked at me with this surprising happy expression on his face and said, “Thank you”.

I sensed what I said to him felt really good inside, because I noticed his upbeat engagement with the other students around him.  And in that sharing I also noticed something deep inside of me change, it felt really good to be sharing something positive I saw in someone else. And because of the compliment, I will never forget that special moment in time. It was a true blessing to me!  He passed away unexpectedly in 2016 at the young age of 55.

2. For two years, I was in a business program learning about marketing and social media. I got to know my business coach over time and admired a few things about her. It was after a weekend workshop that I had some time with her over lunch and could ask her questions. As we got comfortable at our lunch table I felt the need to tell her something I admired in her, which was her confidence. I said to her, “You are always so confident”, and she said right back to me, “Well so are you Pam”. I was not expecting that type of reply, I was expecting just a “Thank you.” What this meant to me was she saw something in me too.

3. During a recent breakfast with some horsey friends, I felt the need to tell a friend something positive I saw in her over the years. As she was saying good bye and leaving our group, I stood up as she was walking by and said quietly to her, “I need to tell you something”. Her eyes and mine connected and in that small amount of time I told her how much I admire her positive demeanor and upbeat personality. Then she started to visibly show tears of appreciation with saying, “Oh Pam, you’re going to make me cry”, “Thank you so much”.

I hope this gives you a good idea of how complimenting someone breaks down the illusions and comparison traps, the stories and limiting beliefs we tell ourselves. Making life so much more joyous and fulfilling.

Comparison can either work for you or against you. It’s up to you how you want to use it.

I’d love to hear if you did the group exercise “Why do we compare”? or if you complimented someone and what responses you got.

Let me know in the comments below.

Love and horse hugs,